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"Thank you for writing me. Your concerns will give me a chance to prove myself capable of writing a service-y, well-informed, maybe not-as-funny answer to your very serious, valid question. Perhaps in the process I can show off not only that I know what I'm talking about to Salon's commenters -- all of whom I'm certain are individuals who are hugely fulfilled in their day jobs and personal lives and could easily use their real names instead of anonymous handles in their signatures if they chose to do so, but opt instead to criticize my "bright red bouffant" and "idiot gossip cutsie voice" under brave, informed, artisinally crafted pseudonyms -- and mayhaps even win them over, because, really, impressing strangers is the only ambition I've ever had, since I was a tot. I also have some unresolved issues around trying to make bullies like me in third grade, and at one point seriously pursued a career in the performing arts. Do you think those issues are related?"

In my latest Salon column, I give the site’s commenters the attention they’ve been clamoring for.

Note: all comment excerpts in the above response were taken from week one of my column, after which I stopped reading comments and haven’t looked back. I get my feedback from my editors, go figz…..

Jul 16, 10

Lady Business: Cleavage in the workplace

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One of my younger female co-workers wears really low-cut, cleavage-revealing tops. I don’t mean to be a douche bag and stare, but, as a hot-blooded straight young-ish dude, how can I not? It’s really distracting and makes it hard to focus on the task at hand. What do I do?

It sounds like you’re nostalgic for the “good old days,” when a slice of pie cost a dime and college tuition was a nickel and ladies were kept away from desks and chairs and other things that weren’t ovens, because of the hips that babies crown out of when they are birthed near there, and other such tempting fruit on our body-trees. Who can blame you!

Oh, that’s right, everybody in the world can blame you, because you are awful.

The new column is up at Salon.com! This week, an issue close to my own heart/cans.

Jul 2, 10

Introducing: Lady Business

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Check out the debut of my new advice column for Salon.com, targeted toward women in the workplace, if you can imagine such a thing!

Today’s question is about how to ask for a raise, and I cleverly tweaked the focus from entitlement to doughnuts in one fell swoop! Write what you know.

Jun 25, 10

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Will Joan Rivers Be The Next Betty White? | The Frisky

I wrote this love letter to Joan Rivers for The Frisky. Her movie opens tomorrow— it’s really incredible.

Jun 10, 10

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Here is me reacting in real time to the trailer for “Killers,” starring Katherine Heigl’s massive collection of trench coats and Ashton Kutcher’s Twitter feed.

Jun 4, 10