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“ I’m sure I wasn’t the only one loudly moaning, “CHRIST, NO,” at my television when Faye Resnick’s Count von Count–as-painted-by–Willem de Kooning face darkened its HD corners. ”

— My new RHOBH recap is here .

Jan 22, 13

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I played pool with Lisa Vanderpump for this extremely important Vulture video. We also did pickleback shots and Giggy was there the whole time.

I played pool with Lisa Vanderpump for this extremely important Vulture video. We also did pickleback shots and Giggy was there the whole time.

Jan 11, 13

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“ I’ve been thinking lately about the role of the “Crazy Psychic” in the Real Housewives franchise, from e-cigarette puffing medium Alison DuBois to that lady Danielle Staub sic’ed onto RHONJ’s Jacqueline Laurita, only to be ignored by a video-game-playing Laurita, to the batty fellow who blessed Lea Black’s poor dog days before its furry demise on Real Housewives of Miami. I think psychics are the broad comic relief that break up the telenovelas our lead characters inhabit. Psychics on these shows, even to viewers who believe in paranormal phenomena custom-tailored to their birthdates, are clowns. Look at the silly vaudevillian hucksters who make funny noises and show faith in their faces! Watch as our heroines, who we’ve previously established are mentally unstable, seem Us Weekly–ily Just Like Us as they roll their eyes at those who are flakier than they! Listen to the silly music that scores the foibles of these goofy gusses! What fools are they, compared to you, viewer! Even if you have a hard time marinating in the schadenfreude helpful to the enjoyment of these shows — alternatingly envying and pitying the rich, hubristic, grotesque peacocks of Beverly Hills or Orange County or New York City, etc — everybody can guiltlessly enjoy a giggle-along when a kooky guest star claims that she really knew Princess Diana. ”

— I did some writing about RHOBH today on Vulture.

Jan 8, 13

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“The culture shock of seeing the outfits these women wear and the heels they hobble around in and the extensions they maneuver around shoulders bonier than Dover Sole filets is taking me a beat to get used to. It’s the STYLE of these ladies that makes me feel like Sir Richard Attenborough narrating a nature film. “The perimenopausal Housewife shows her mate a shoulder in a bright asymmetrical top, in order to flaunt her litheness after her fertility has wavered.” WHO WEARS THIS SHIT? It looks so bad and costs so much!” I’ll be recapping Real Housewives of Beverly Hills again for Vulture.

“The culture shock of seeing the outfits these women wear and the heels they hobble around in and the extensions they maneuver around shoulders bonier than Dover Sole filets is taking me a beat to get used to. It’s the STYLE of these ladies that makes me feel like Sir Richard Attenborough narrating a nature film. “The perimenopausal Housewife shows her mate a shoulder in a bright asymmetrical top, in order to flaunt her litheness after her fertility has wavered.” WHO WEARS THIS SHIT? It looks so bad and costs so much!”

I’ll be recapping Real Housewives of Beverly Hills again for Vulture.

Nov 6, 12

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There are those, like Kim, who are destined to have lived their best lives before 20, or 30, or 40. And, though there are not many, there are stars like Whitney Houston, who burned bright and then became unsavable, whether DNA was to blame or bad company, or because being a celebrity — a larger-than-life, better-than-you, chosen-by-God beauty with a voice like a beacon or expressive anime eyes, or long, shiny hair straight out of an O’Henry short story — makes it harder to bow your head and accept a higher power. To realize that it is our ordinariness, our fallibility, that makes us healable — from addiction, from pain, from loss, from darkness — from the bleakness of being alone all the time, knowing you hate your own company. My last RHOBH recap of the season is now up.

There are those, like Kim, who are destined to have lived their best lives before 20, or 30, or 40. And, though there are not many, there are stars like Whitney Houston, who burned bright and then became unsavable, whether DNA was to blame or bad company, or because being a celebrity — a larger-than-life, better-than-you, chosen-by-God beauty with a voice like a beacon or expressive anime eyes, or long, shiny hair straight out of an O’Henry short story — makes it harder to bow your head and accept a higher power. To realize that it is our ordinariness, our fallibility, that makes us healable — from addiction, from pain, from loss, from darkness — from the bleakness of being alone all the time, knowing you hate your own company.

My last RHOBH recap of the season is now up.

Feb 14, 12